Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Savoring the last days

My houseplants woke up someplace new this morning.  They and my books are staying at Mark's house till I can get into my house later this week.  I have two more nights to sleep in the treehouse.  I watched the fog over White Park this morning as I made my coffee.  How the first time I noticed the phenomenon I felt like I had moved into Ravenloft (D&D setting that is separated from the real world by an impenetrable magical mist).

We painted the first room in the bakery yesterday.  Tyler and I did it all by ourselves.  We are not trained painters, but I think it looks ok.  Only four rooms left.  Mark brought us pizza, and then red velvet cheesecake "muffins" because that sounds healthier than "cupcake."

I fight this creeping fear, this underlying uneasiness that exists all through my life, with my breath. I slept poorly last night, I woke up terrified as if from a bad dream, but my head was empty of dreams. I practiced breathing till I could go back to sleep.  I don't know how life is going to unfold, but nobody does, really.  Letting go of the need to know, maybe that's what's terrifying.  But leaving my sanctuary is sad and I have to let myself experience these feelings of loss for what they are.  They maybe turn into terror for the future when I deny the sadness of the present.

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