Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Waking up in the morning

I used to love waking up in the morning.  My alarm would go off at 3:30 or 4 am, or if I was letting myself sleep in, 5. When my senses came out of the fog of sleep, I was happy to be alive, and even if I was sleepy still, I was ready to go do my best.

Since the New Day closed, I have been sleeping in later, but I still wake up around 4 in the morning.  The odd thing is, I wake up with a real sense of unease.  I wake up feeling like an imposter in my own life.  Like someone is going to find out today that I am not a grown-up, I am not certified to be living here, in charge of myself.  Most unpleasant.  I have read that other people sometimes feel this way too.  That doesn't make me feel any less scared about it tho.  Why is my unconscious mind thinking these thoughts?

My life has started to feel very small, like I am being squashed by the weight of my responsibility.  This is nothing new, but I wish I could breathe in and expand my life like I fill my body up with air.  I am torn between trying to figure out how to be comfortable and happy with myself when I am alone, and wanting to be around other people (even though it is hard for me to feel like I am PRESENT when I am with other people).

This morning I woke up feeling scared and unworthy.  It is a real challenge to remind myself of my Buddha nature, that I am worthy just because I am alive and I don't need to prove it to myself.

No comments:

Post a Comment